Really Expensive Hosting

This is a satirical website brought to you by the all too funny people at FatLab Web Support. We hope you get a chuckle or at least smile as you brush it off as total geek humor.

Yes, yes we are making fun some of the major hosting companies out there! Be sure to check out our slightly more serious site reallyexpensiveweb.host

Welcome to Really Cheap Web Hosting

Why so cheap?

We are able to offer web hosting at an incredible discount because we fundamentally believe that your monthly coffee expense (at that place where they draw a little smiley face on the cup) should absolutely overshadow what you spend on hosting a non-critical business tool like your website.

If your latte is cold or lacking a fancy design in the foam, we have a serious problem. However, if your website is down… well, we’ll get to it.

In fact, if you could do us the favor and call us when that happens, it would be greatly appreciated. We don’t actually monitor every site, nor do we even monitor the servers that host them. Services like that cost money and we understand that you are looking for a budget plan. We pass the saving onto you (that sounds like a good slogan).

Our operators are standing by 24/7/365 (If it is your daytime, it is our night time), to let you know that the performance issues you are experiencing are not actually our fault. We’ll choose from common causes such as:

  1. It’s your developer’s fault, call them.
  2. Another site on that same server is under attack, we’ll have to wait for that attack to end.
  3. It looks like your site has been hacked, so we took it offline.

We recommend you go get a good cup of coffee at a joint with FREE wifi and start researching what to do about your site. We’ll be here while you figure that out, we can wait.

99.99999999999% Uptime!

Honestly, we would have put more 9’s in there but the lawyers said we were going too far. 99.99999999999% of course that number doesn’t actually refer to your individual website’s uptime. It actually doesn't’ even reflect the server’s uptime. It simply refers to the network as whole, which really almost never goes down ... all at once.

We Have Some Servers 'n Stuff

Web Servers

We have a warehouse of servers, plugged into a few networks (mostly second tier). These servers are huge and we plan to load as many sites as we can onto each one of them, this is a good thing!

By not accounting for various levels of traffic between different sites and utilizing every bit of CPU and memory these work-horses have, we are able to offer super-cheap hosting.

By cramming hundreds of sites on a single machine we cut our own costs and pass the saving onto you. Just think how many customers we must have if we are charging only a few dollars a month to host a site. Hell, we make millions so we’ll let you do the math on that one.

web servers
database and web server

Databases

Yep, we got‘em. In order to streamline our operation the same servers that serve your web files also act as database servers. We cut costs by not having to optimize servers specifically for databases or specifically for web files. Instead, we settle for adequate performance from a single machine. Smart, huh?

Granted, if another site on the same system was poorly written (not yours of course) or under heavy load (must have gotten on Shark Tank), your site’s performance will suffer as the database starts to work a little harder than normal. But hey, we are all open to a little socialist utopia where we all suffer together to save a buck (or is that communism?).

Content Distribution Network (CDN)

We don’t currently offer a CDN, which would speed up the delivery of your website and increase your search engine rankings. You’re welcome for that knowledge.

wordpress security

Firewall

Distributed Denial of Service (DDOS) attacks, Bruteforce login attacks, SQL Injection, rogue bots are very real threats. In fact, we are pretty sure that many of the sites that host with us are under attack at this very moment. Those attacks are probably spreading viruses, filling sites with malware and affecting the performance of the sites on the same servers.

However, we don’t offer any firewall services at this time. You can always go get and configure your own, which would be a good idea by the way.

Let’s face it, good real-time firewall services typically cost more than our super cheap hosting plan alone. We can’t provide such protection on what you are paying us, but we have a suggestion...

Get a plugin

There are some great security plugins out there and we suggest you, maybe, look into one of those. Of course we can’t help install, configure or provide support for it in anyway, but that is just us passing the saving onto you (there’s that slogan again).

Backups & Disaster Recovery

We highly recommend that you backup your website. That was helpful, huh? Again, just us watching out for your bottom line.

So you have been told you need SSL, HTTPS or an “encrypted” website. We agree.

To get started:

  1. Submit a support ticket asking us to generate a Certificate Signing Request (CSR). We will provide you with CSR and Private Key.
  2. Once you have been issued your CSR and Private key, submit those to your certificate issuer.
  3. Follow all verification steps outlined by the certificate issuer.
  4. Open a new ticket with us and provide the issued certificate and we will install it (nice of us, huh?).
  5. Contact your developer or read up online on how to switch your site to SSL, work out any mixed content errors (those are nasty) and… well, that’s it.

If you’re unsure about any of these terms we recommend reading about how Secure Socket Layer technology works on Wikipedia.

That was easy, huh?

Support

We offer 24/7 support! You can send us an email, use our online chat feature or call us. Wait times range from 20 minutes to 48 hours. We have also designed a support system that keeps our costs (and your monthly fee) low.

By outsourcing our entire support desk overseas and training our operators on a small set of canned responses, you can be assured that we will get back to you some time soon.*

* Soon is a relative term and should not be interpreted as a guarantee of service (the lawyers made us say this).

The real beauty here is that you won’t have to wait (too) long before we inform you that

  1. The problem is not on our side and you should call your developer.
  2. That the server your site is on is overloaded and we can’t tell why but that it should stop soon.
  3. Your site is under attack and you should stop it before one of our engineers notices and turns your site off. Don’t worry, the attack typically stops before we take your site offline, but you might want to check for malware and viruses.

We consider it our job to speak to you in very technical terms and industry jargon so that it sounds like we do more than we actually do.

You’ll thank us after your next meeting when you get to drop some serious tech jargon filled with crazy acronyms, without actually knowing what it means.

Here - we can practice. Repeat after me, “we transfer our PHP/MySQL based website over Secure Hypertext Transfer Protocol (HTTPS, funny how that “s” goes at the end), utilizing CentOS Linux on a cloud VPS whereby static assets are delivered to the user’s closest geographic node via CDN.” Of course none of that is true, but it will sound really cool!

Real-time Support

In a hurry? We offer instant/real-time support! To experience this, please visit our support forums. They are built on a platform that will remind you of the user forums and bulletin board systems of the early internet (1999 just called….).

These forums hold “knowledge bases” going back for a really long time so you are sure to find the answer you seek in there somewhere.*

* Support forums are user run and we cannot guarantee the information contained within.

We Host, You Manage

web server with blinking lightsOur job is simple: keep the lights blinking on the front of all those servers. Your website is your business.

We do not:

  • Debug
  • Monitor
  • Support your specific website in anyway

Our philosophy is simple: if our server is running the problem must be on your end. We wish you the best of luck.

Don’t worry you’ll eventually get used to calling your developer instead of us to manage your site and remember if they say the problem is with the host - they are probably wrong but you can open a ticket and we’ll check the light on the front of the server anyway (green means good).

We are not Web Developers

One of the great ways we save you money is by not knowing much about web development. Sure we have some “engineers” on staff but they are not web developers. By allowing you to find your own developer we have given you the opportunity to find someone who works for like $5/hr in a corner of the world you probably wouldn't be caught dead in.

Seriously, $5/hour that is super cheap and there really are people who will work on your website for that much. Why would you want to pay for managed hosting by experts when you could be paying so little to keep your website?

Security & Uptime

24/7/365 Monitoring

We have a whole bunch of ambiguous monitoring systems in place, yep.

Security Recommendations

A security plugin or something like that

Backing up your site on a regular basis

Uptime

We boast a 99.99999999999%* uptime! Seriously, something at our place is always on and we have generators to ensure that remains true.

* Uptime refers to any part of our facility having power and does not necessarily refer to the network your site is hosted on, the server your site is hosted on and of course we can’t make any guarantees about your site. We didn’t build it, why would we make promises about your specific site? Heck your website could have been developed by a computer science genius or a blind monkey, how are we to know? Did you see our uptime?

Performance

In order to save you money and keep our pricing ridiculously low, we do not utilize any tools or services to monitor or tune the performance of your website or our servers. However with that said, there is no legal authority stopping us from saying the following

  1. High reliability
  2. Fast Loading
  3. Cloud (that just screams performance, doesn’t it?)

About Us

Really Cheap Web Hosting

ReallyCheapWeb.Host is a satirical website by FatLab, LLC, a web support and website maintenance company that does offer a real managed WordPress hosting service. Be sure to check out our slightly less satirical website ReallyExpenisveWeb.Host which is designed to show you why saving a buck on your web hosting may not be the best plan for your business.

It seems hardly a day goes by when we don’t talk to someone who explains to us how critical their website is to their business or organization and how it simply “can’t” go down. Often they are throwing money at semi-dedicated solutions like VPSs, something called “cloud hosting” or simple budget plans that cost very little a month.

We don’t believe that web hosting should be expensive for the sake of it being expensive but we do believe that you can’t get performance, security and good support from a company that is only charging you a few dollars per month. This is where FatLab comes in. We are support company that also hosts WordPress websites on a highly redundant, monitored and secure system.

While reviewing this website we hope you get a little chuckle (or even a big laugh) but then come over to our real site and see what we think managed WordPress hosting should be and should cost.

Then again, if you are looking for a truly cheap website hosting solution they are a dime a dozen and I think you can find the big players without any further help from us. We won’t call them them out by name, mostly because they have marketing budgets that squash us in split second. If you have a budget site, then a budget web plan is perfect.

© 2018 FatLab, LLC | Really Cheap Web Hosting. | A Virginia, USA Company | 888.742.2131 | 703.662.5792 |

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